The next day however I was feeling even more toddler-like. The kids were being difficult; it had been a hard week. At least one person in our family had been throwing up for seven days straight. I was tired. I was cranky. And I was trying to do more than I should have.
During weeks like this I suppose a mama really should just enter survival mode. Lock down and wait for the enemy to retreat. I, however, didn't want to. I wanted things my way--perfect. I wanted to still do school. I wanted to play outside with our new kites. I wanted to maintain a clean house. I wanted to cook hearty suppers. And like a toddler who has been on the playground all day without a nap, I had a meltdown. I'll spare you the details because it was ugly.
And it was so stupid. I should know by now that life comes with limitations. I should know by now that not every day has to look a certain way to be an okay day. Some days (weeks) we don't get school done--GASP! Sometimes we have to go get McDonalds for supper--GASP! Sometimes there are piles and piles of laundry to be folded and still no one has underwear to wear. Hey, it happens. And no one dies. We get through it. I just wish I could get through it more cheerfully. I don't want to be an insane wife or mother!
So then I had another little breakdown to Jackie. "I'm an awful person," I cried to him. I even asked the kids what they thought. "Am I a bad mommy?" I asked. Don't ask Ryland something unless you really want to know the truth. "Yeah," he said, "But I love you anyway!"
"What do you do," I asked Jackie, "To get better? To be better?" Pray, he told me. But I kind of felt like I needed more concrete answers. Aren't there instructions I can follow? Something with steps on how to be wonderfully perfect 24 hours a day every day forever?! I haven't searched Pinterest yet but I'm guessing there really aren't instructions out there like that. I have a sinking suspicion I am going to have to learn the hard way. Sigh.
My favorite verses in the Bible are in Pslam 51. Verse 10 says, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me." This is my life verse. Forget a clean house (or complete lessons and, yes, even healthy meals), my life's goal is to procure a clean heart. To do whatever it is I am doing for the right reasons. To love purely. To let go of my wants and the way I think it oughta be. To be more like Jesus.
And to do that I've got to learn something better than toddler logic. Growing up is hard.