Monday, July 18, 2011

Dear Ryland,

Today has been wonderful. I may be jumping the gun a little bit saying that since it's only 3 p.m. especially given the fact that we crawled out of bed at 10 a.m. but those few hours seem to have marked a change or at least my recognition of that change whenever it happened. Or, heck, maybe it's just a good day. See, things between you and I haven't always been everything they should be which saddens me because I wanted you in my life so very much. I prayed and prayed to God that He would put you in my life and He did so what right do I have to complain about anything, huh? But I do complain. I complained and said rude things to you both in my head and aloud when you were tiny and wouldn't sleep and your dad and I were so, so tired. I complained and screamed and cried when you threw toilet water all over the place and most of those times when you dumped out your entire plate of food in the floor. And you know what? I wasn't totally, really sorry every one of those times I comforted you when you got hurt doing something stupid. Some of those times I was patting your back and rolling my eyes. I'm pretty sure that you haven't stopped moving since the moment of your conception and you can climb like nobody's business. You are the sole reason I have three colors of Popsicle stains on our living room rug and why I have to wipe chocolate pudding off the Wii remote. It drives me completely bonkers when you poke your little sister in the eye which is pretty much every single day and I'm royally displeased each time you crawl up on the bed and dump all the laundry I've just folded over the side. And what sort of cruel joke was it to wait 17 months before you said, "Mama," and then started saying it multiple times a minute every moment that you're awake and that one time when you were sleeping? Most days I feel like I'm running in circles chasing you.

I think that may be why God gave me your little sister before your toddlerhood descended on us; He knew that He would have a hard time convincing me I could handle another child on top of you.

But today, ah, today you woke up early and I convinced you to crawl back into bed with me. We listened to the thunder roll and the rain pelt the window and I watched your big blue eyes close. Then you smiled--almost laughed!--in your sleep! I'm so glad that my insane mothering hasn't hindered you from sweet dreams.

Jathan came and woke us up after a good little nap. He had two cars in his hand and you really wanted one of them. I told you to go get you a car from your room and you came back with one, green just like the two that Jathan had. Then you went and got another green one so that you would have two just like Jathan! "What a smart boy," I thought. Later I was curled up reading leisurely (it's summer and the rain said it was okay) and I noticed that you were tugging on a pillow just like the one I was propped up on. "Do you want a pillow?" I asked. You nodded you replied with a hearty, enthusiastic nod. I propped your pillow up right beside mine then you disappeared for a moment returning with a little book of your own. How stinkin' cute is that?! Speaking of cute, I also wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your help with the laundry today. You carried piece by piece (one sock at a time) from the dryer to the bed smiling all the way. I didn't even mind when you wiped your runny nose on that one pair of pants.

And, on two separate occasions today, I've told you, "No, no, Ryland." And guess what? You listened and obeyed!

I'm not sure if this is all really happening or if I've stumbled down the rabbit hole into the Twilight Zone but today has been good. So good that I really was sad with you when you tripped and dropped your Popsicle on the rug. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I'm trying to grow up and get over myself and also something to do with the fact that you are growing up, too, barreling straight towards 2 years old with reckless abandon. Whatever it is I wanted to take special note and let you know that I love you even if tomorrow sucks.

All my heart,


1 comment:

  1. you've said it perfectly! i have so many of those w/ Alister but he's startimg to listen sone, obey some,clean up some and help some> he's not quite as aggressive- it's getting better w? time. you are so right about how some days we don't have much sympathy but we do love them so much!